Case History 6: Columbus Falls Off the Edge of the World!

And it was a lo-o-ong way to the bottom!

It’s 1492,and not much has happened in the last couple of hundred years of human history. Oh, the printing press was invented, but we know that isn’t going to last. Interestingly, the stupid contraption was invented by mistake!

This guy called Gutenberg, you see, was carving a wooden block so he could print a page of the bible, and he slipped and cut the thing. Then he got the bright idea of cutting out the remaining letters, and just moving the letters around, and reusing them for page after page. Have you ever heard anything so stupid in your life?

Anyway, this guy Columbus is causing all sorts of havoc. He think that he can sail west and end up east. Talk about delusional.

discover new world

"Let's put the 7-11 right here.

I mean, everybody knows that you sail far enough and you’ll run into all sorts of monsters, get eaten up, digested straight to hell, that sort of thing. And, if that isn’t bad enough, you could sail south, and when you reach the equator you‘ll turn black! The worst, however, worse than turning black or being eaten by monsters, is that if you sail north you’ll find Judas waiting for you at the gates of hell!

Man, the gates of hell, and, contrary to popular belief, hell is frozen! It’s cold, not hot, and it makes one wonder whether devils and pitchforks have even been invented yet! Well, we’ll probably find out one day, when hell freezes over-heh heh.

Well, to skip along a bit, this Columbus guy is telling rulers of various countries that the world isn’t necessarily flat, that you’re not going to run into monsters, turn black, or even freeze, and that if you sail far enough west you can end up in the east. East, just for those of you who don’t know, is where that Marco…Marco, uh, Polo, that Polo guy said there was all sorts of gold and spices and gold and jewels and gold and silk and gold and…wonder if there’s any gold there? Well, if this Columbus guy is willing to take a chance, and I can stay home safe in bed, let him fall off the edge of the world, or whatever.

So it looks like Columbus scored some ships, three of them, and this looks like the con job of the ages. After Chris had been turned down by everybody else, he went to a woman…the Queen of Spain, Isabella. Chris said he wanted to be an admiral and he wanted ten per cent of whatever trade resulted.

The Queen turned him down, but then one of her advisors very sagely pointed out that ten per cent of nothing is nothing, so the Queen accepted his deal. So Chris Columbus set sail on Aug 3, 1492, in three ratty ships, and one has to wonder if he’ll turn black and fall off the edge of the world into a hell where monsters eat him like a popsicle. One also wonders if anyone will remember that if anything does get found it’ll belong to a queen, a (choke) woman!

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