Case History 9: America is Only Fifty Miles Wide!

Could America Really Be that Skinny?

Starting with 1519, we have some interesting things happening in, around, and because of the New World. A guy name of Balboa walked across the new world, and it is only fifty miles across! And then, there seems to be a whole new ocean to cross before we get to the real India…sheesh!

exploring the new world

He came, he saw, he raped and plundered!


There’s this fellow name of Cortes, is making waves in a place called Mexico. Cortes has marched into Mexico City and found gold! Imagine that…there is actually gold in the New World!

So Cortes is taken on a tour of the temples and sees all the sacrificing going on and such, and he, kindly enough, tells the Aztec ruler that he has to knock it off and put up a cross. And the Aztec ruler, rude fellow, has the gaul to say, “If I had thought you would insult my Gods, I would not have shown them to you.

Can you imagine that? What does a savage know about God? I mean, if he wants to sacrifice people he should conduct an inquisition or something, lke a normal god fearing person would do!

And, a bit of bad news, I guess between Columbus and Cortes and all the other explorers raping and killing and raping and murder and raping and raping…the New World has decided to send the Old World a little revenge. So, we gots this thing called syphilis popping up here and there throughout all of Europe. So, no more sex all you hot-blooded Old Worlders!

And here’s something interesting…seven whole cities, made completely of gold, have been found! Well, they weren’t really gold, they were actually made of mud hits. It appears that the roofs looked goldish in the morning sun, but, hey…gold is gold, right?

Speaking of inventions…did you know that horses have now been invented in the New World? That’s right, Governor General Francisco de Coronado has brought in a 1000 horses to help with explorations. He intends to find the Seven Cities of Gold…I guess nobody told him, heh heh!

And, to close out this Case History, Tobacco, invented in the New World but brought to the Old World, is now the greatest invention since Swiss Cheese! Did you know that tobacco will cure pox, dental problems, ulcers, and all manners of disease! I wonder if it’ll cure syphilis?

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