The Chaos Diet, or How to Fool Your Body

Don’t live to eat, live to…EAT!

I am physically active, do a couple of hours of martial arts a day, but by 60 I had reached 250 pounds. I was active, but it was hurting. I couldn’t run marathons anymore, I didn’t play pickup games, or do other stuff. Then, one day, chest pains. Time for a change.

Now, the first question was, why was I gaining weight when I was active? The answer, I ate the same things day after day. My body was in a rut.

fad dieting


I remembered a time I had visited the San Francisco zoo, and one of the zookeepers told me that they didn’t feed the tigers on Monday.

The reason? Because a day of starvation approximated conditions in the wild. A day of starvation and the tiger’s own digestive system scoured itself out and kept the kitties in good condition.

Now, this wasn’t the Chaos Diet, but it would, eventually, lead to it.

Over the years I had experimented with juice diets, soup diets, and had become aware of all the latest fad diets, eating by sign and hair color and season…eating by body type and blood type and…on and on and on. And I had laughed at it all.

The reason I laughed was because no one system worked for everybody all the time.

Junk scientists would jump up and tout a method, but, again, their methods would not work for everybody all the time.

That led me to the question: why? And the answer was obvious: because people are different.

By the sheer volume of variation of body type, there could not be one tried and true method that would work for everybody.

But how do you find the method that works for you?

Trial and error, get slender go fat, frustration and despair. I had heard that Kirsty Allie had spent $5 mill on exploring diets, and they didn’t work for her, and I didn’t have $5 mill.

So, what to do?

First, I tossed out sugars and salts, fat and bad cholesterol, and just about every other thing that made food fun.

Gar! Argh! Yikes! Chest pains were starting to look good.

So I loosened up on myself, ate the bad stuff moderately, enjoyed life, and got a bright idea. I skipped a meal.

Well, that hurt.

Then I got another bright idea.

I bought a watermelon.

I ate oatmeal in the morning, a thick slice of watermelon for lunch, and a big dinner.

My reasoning was that watermelon was made of water, so I wasn’t really eating, I was just fooling my stomach.

I lost five pounds in four days, went through detox cramps, and it hit me, and I came up with the Chaos Diet.

Fool the body.

Now look, if you are really in bad shape, go see a doc. Or, better yet, a nutritionist. A doc might find something wrong with you. A nutritionist will just try to make you right. There is a difference of attitude here that is worth noting.

But the essence of the Chaos Diet is that you eat moderately, and do things to change up the body.

One day soup.

The next day skip a meal.

The next eat properly all day long, then chew a big, fat candy bar.

Listen…your body won’t know what to think!
And, it will start to change, to adapt, and every time it adapts, it creates the wrong enzymes and acids and stuff.

One meal heaping helpings of veggies with two strips of bacon to give porcine and mouth watering flavor. The next meal oranges and cheerios. The next meal pork chop and rice. The next meal skip. And so on.

Do you get it? You will fool your body, it will waist energy and burn up ‘stuff’ trying to figure you out, and you’ll always be ahead of it!

Now, I know I’m going to get hate mail on this one, and doctors are going to want to ride me on a rail out of town. But that’s okay.

You see, science is not a way to rule your life, and a predictable diet will bore you to death, and maybe make you fat in spite of everything.

And science is actually nothing more than a way of measuring the universe. Measuring what is past, and attempting to predict the future.

But you are a person with a body to take care of…and a life to live…and maybe it’s time to break out of the rut of fad and fashion and predictable junk science.

So feed the body odd, skip a meal, eat two meals, take the body out and make it climb a hill, and above all…laugh! Laugh like a demented fool caught in a paradise of tomfoolery!

That’s the Chaos Diet, and I invite you to enjoy it.

1 comment for “The Chaos Diet, or How to Fool Your Body

  1. Kashif Ansari
    December 23, 2015 at 2:34 pm

    the chaos diet is what the habits of thin people consist of in the first place. thin people eat good wholesome nutritious food and that too in moderation. anything, everything, something and sometimes…even nothing in the form of intermittent fasting will do. besides this keep the body guessing and it will be thrown into shock and burn a ton of calories. exercise ought to be chaotic too and should consist of fartleks (speedplay) occasional heavy weight training. besides this there are many ways of hacking the human body from massaging your adam’s apple to increase thyroxine all the way to eating a clove of garlic with meals to up the metabolism and lose weight.

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